Emerson: 15 Months

October 1, 2013

• You are primarily wearing 18-month clothing, with a few 12-month tops.
• Your nighttime sleep has gotten a bit better. You're going to sleep very easily at bedtime, and have slept until the 5 o'clock hour a couple of times. It's progress.
• You have continued the habit from last month, and lost interest in eating much food at mealtime. You graze and nibble throughout the day, with grapes, animal crackers, peanut butter crackers, and mandarin oranges among your current favorites. Our suspicion is that this is contributing to your lack of sleep at night time...hungry, perhaps? 
• Nap time has become much more consistent. Around 10:30 a.m., you seem "ready", and when I ask "are you ready for a nap?", you nod your head and move to the couch. We nurse, and you usually fall asleep easily within minutes. Your nap usually ranges from an hour to an hour and a half, and you wake-up refreshed and ready for your lunch.
• We've gone to story time at the library a few times now, and it's such fun to see you taking it all in. The new surroundings, the other children, the activities.... You seem to prefer to cautiously observe a new experience for a while before jumping right into it, and that's something your mommy can relate to. You seem to enjoy yourself, though, especially at the sand table and the felt board.

• You read lots and lots of books! "Buh-buh", you say, and then bring one to Mommy's lap. "Turn, and sit", I say...and then you do. I think you would read books with someone all day if you could.

• You are increasingly expressing your opinions and making your desires clear. What you want (or don't) want to do, or do (or don't) want to eat. You're a communicator, and get such a look of delight when you're being understood.
• When we read books, it's seems that you're truly understanding certain stories, intentionally choosing specific books, and turning to your favorite pages...and quickly skipping over the ones that aren't.
• We watch PBS in the morning right after your wake-up and then again in the evening, usually while Mommy gets dinner started in the kitchen. You seem to need that "quiet time" late-afternoon, and you zone out for a bit while you watch "monkey George" (Curious George). 
• You've tried to play with Royal a couple of times...clearly trying to get his attention by talking to him or batting at this fur. He largely ignores you, which is probably best at this point, but you sure do like your puppy!
• When you want to go outside, you point to the door, nod your head, and say "ah-gah, ah-gah". Your intentions are quite clear, and you repeat over and over again until we oblige. 
• Dumping, sorting, & putting away various things (crayons, clothes, blocks, etc.) are some of your favorite hobbies.
• You loved to be chased by your popcorn popper toy, and you run around the living room as you're followed. Grandma created this game and you love it.
• Shadows continue to be a fun discovery, and our afternoon and evening walks have given plenty of opportunity to explore them.
  

• Your speech sounds more and more like real words, versus baby babble. You have deliberate, meaningful vocabulary, and it's fun to be communicating together and understanding each other.
• You've moved forward (vs back) on your bike a few times...you're really riding! Such a big girl! 
• Your hair is so "flowy"...long and blond, with the most beautiful little waves of curl at the ends. 
• You are a little "parrot" these days, repeating words as you're able and mimicking sounds, words, behaviors and actions. You are so curious and interested in figuring out this world of yours.
• You're moving more and more quickly and with such confidence...often running!
• You exert your desire to do things for yourself frequently, but are still so cuddly...navigating between your own need for independence and the comfort of "Mom". 
• You readily give kisses, especially in the morning, to Mommy and Daddy. And when one of us gets a kiss, the other must, too. You are quite affectionate and we cherish that.
• When you are ready to go outside or to the car, you often deliver Mommy's shoes and then stand at the garage door. A girl on a mission, who knows the process!
• Stickers provide all sorts of entertainment! You place them all over yourself, Mommy's legs, Royal's back.... And you do it with such a look of focus and concentration. It's a serious job!

• Nursing is still a regular habit. We nurse when you wake-up, before nap time, and before bed...and then sometimes when you wake in the middle of the night. Occasionally, it'll happen again during the day, but that's primarily a matter of boredom or needing comfort. You wiggle and squirm, though, and make things interesting. It's still something that you enjoy, and I'm glad to be able to let you slowly wean as you're ready.
• You are beginning to show interest in cow's milk and at least have a few sips from a cup each day. Baby steps.
• You have your very own potty chair! It's a bit early for you to seriously use it, and we're not really trying. But, you know exactly what it is and seem proud to have a potty of your own. No success yet, but the day is coming! It's good practice for you to make yourself comfortable there!
• You love to "creep" and "sneak up" on people. You crouch down, and get this sneaky look in your eyes, and walk slowly up to your target. It's adorable and makes you quite proud.
• You have lots of cute expressions. One current favorite of Daddy's is what he calls your "ghost face". Your eyes get wide, your mouth opens, and you stretch the skin underneath your nose. Quite appropriate, given the season.
• Spinning is a new trick of yours. You hold out an arm to your side, using that for balance, and you twirl around and around...often when you're overwhelmed with excitement when Grandpa comes to play.

The Lord gave you such a beautiful spirit, Emerson. Each day, we are shown a little more 

of your blossoming personality that He created, 

and we are grateful.

You are a precious gift, and dearly loved, sweet Emerson Blair.

A Highlight Reel

One of the dangers of reading blogs or routinely following social media is the comparisons that can all too frequently result...comparing your life to that of others. (A topic I pondered earlier this year here.) Of course, this isn't social media's fault...it just serves as the avenue by which we're able to see so very frequently what everyone else's life looks like.

Or, do we?

A friend shared the following quip with me a few months ago. (I'm not sure who deserves credit for saying it in the first place.)

"Don't compare your everyday life 

to someone else's highlight reel."

The point is, the images and stories shared on blogs or Instagram or Facebook are very often only part of the story, chosen to depict an event or an experience (or an outfit...or a house...or a child...) in the way that the owner wishes for it to be. I suspect that we rarely see the big picture...the entire story.

And I think that leads us to have very, very false impressions of the lives that others lead...believing that they are more glamorous individuals or that their lives are far more idyllic than our own.

I'm not suggesting that every person who posts such things is maliciously trying to deceive others. It's fun to share snippets of our lives with loved ones and frankly, even complete strangers. We're (myself included) intrigued by the lives that others lead, and conversely, others enjoy knowing what goes on in our world. But the reality is that what is shared is not always the whole truth. And, we often only share the best parts of our lives for others to see. I'm guilty of that. And I need to be ever-mindful and very cautious about my intention in sharing bits of my life. Because if my motive simply becomes showing others how great I believe I have it, then I've crossed a line.

With that said, now seems as appropriate a time as any to share the story of our family adventure to the local fair a few months ago...with all the nitty-gritty, entirely unglamorous details.

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Bobby and I have fond memories of summer trips to the fair, especially during our dating years, when it was a yearly ritual complete with an annual photo in front on the ferris wheel. (Which I would love to include an example of here, were the photos not stuck on an old hard drive and on DVD's. Ugh. The never-ending challenge of figuring out to effectively store and archive thousands of digital photos.... If you figure it out, let me know.) It had been a couple of years since our last visit, and we were excited to make new memories there...this summer, with our daughter!

As we left the house that evening, I felt a bit queasy, but not so much so that I thought it to be overly concerning. We bought our tickets and made our way in the gates, but no sooner did we step onto the midway that it became abundantly clear to me that I needed to find a bathroom. Quickly. I'll spare you these details, but know that our first 45ish minutes at the fair were spent racing to find a restroom...and then another one. (I told you...glamorous, right?!)

While I dealt with my unhappy digestive system in what were certainly less than pleasant fairground facilities, Bobby was left trying to manage an unhappy one-year old, who was upset by Mommy's sudden disappearances, a looming bedtime hour, and the nearby balloons that she had spotted but could not attain. (To dear Bobby's credit, he did a great job, even succumbing himself to a sales pitch by a life insurance representative in the sea of vendors for the sole purpose of securing a balloon for Emerson. What a guy!) Suffice it to say, none of us were having much fun.

Once I began to feel better, we managed to visit the cows and see the baby chicks, and Emerson had a great time playing in the corn-filled tire. We saw the horses before their show, walked around the midway again to see the ferris wheel and all of the lights, and Emerson got her first little taste of a corn dog. It was a beautiful summer evening and it was special to be out together as a family.

Below is the photo collage I posted to Instagram...which, frankly, suggests an idyllic evening...a happy little family enjoying the fair in all its glory...right? These are the images of the parts of the evening I enjoyed. And, there most definitely were some! I wanted to remember these details of the night, and in my opinion, they were worth sharing.

Regardless, it probably would have been more accurate to show a photo of the inside of a bathroom stall. Or, at the very least, a picture of our family looking as frazzled and underwhelmed by the occasion as we felt.

No one really wants to see that, though. Nor is it any fun to admit "this was not entirely a good experience...things didn't go as planned...I had tummy trouble...our life isn't picture-perfect".

But, all of those things are true.

Between the unplanned bathroom visits, the plumes of cigarette smoke we were repeatedly forced to walk through, a generally "dirty" environment,  and a tired toddler, our trip to the fair was hardly the lovely family experience I'd pictured...though it was memorable, indeed!

(Bobby and I have discussed the possibility that the fair experience itself was always similar to this, minus the bathroom stops. The possibility that we were too distracted by our young love years ago to realize it...or that our perspective of a 'fun' outing changed once we had our baby along with us. It's possible. But, we also really do think that the fair has gone downhill in recent years. Another definite possibility, I think.)

So, case in point. I used Instagram to show a "highlight reel" of the evening. I didn't exactly depict our real life experience. And, that's okay...but perhaps, to some degree, dishonest. I need to be mindful of the "reality" I'm presenting and thus implying to others...as well as maintaining an awareness, for my own sanity, that others may just be showing their "highlight reel", too. 

Emerson: 14 Months

September 1, 2013

• You're wearing size 12-18 month clothes. 
• Your appetite has lessened significantly. Eating (in your high chair, particularly) is not a motor activity, and it isn't all that interesting anymore. You'll just pick at your food at some meals, clearly not hungry. You still enjoy cottage cheese at lunch time, though not nearly so enthusiastically. You have your preferences, and they change daily. You don't seem to be suffering, though. 
• The current bedtime routine is to play outside for about 30 minutes (usually including some combination of tossing around a football, blowing bubbles, playing in the truck bed, taking a walk, petting the cat, etc.) immediately after dinner. Then, you get into your swing while you eat a cheese stick...an effort to make sure you have a full tummy before bed...lest hunger be a part of your poor sleep. You recognize the routine and often reach for Mommy when you're ready to be done swinging and head inside. You've stopped fussing as we change your diaper, put on pajamas, and nurse, and you let yourself go to sleep very easily with little to no crying once we leave the room. Big girl!
• But then, it gets hairy. Sleep has been rough lately, to say the least. For all of us. Although you've been going to sleep relatively easily, you wake-up quite consistently around 2:30 a.m. (although it is sometimes much earlier), screaming furiously. We've attempted to let you cry it out, but that's difficult to do in the wee morning hours when Daddy has to work the next day, and honestly, you're very stubborn and don't give up the fight easily. So, Mommy has been bringing you out to the couch when this happens every single night. We push over the ottoman to make a bigger sleeping surface, and you nurse, and then you almost always drift back off to sleep very peacefully until 6:30 a.m. or so. It's been unpleasant and we're going to have to figure something out soon. 
• "Bay-bee" (baby) is one of your new favorite words, and you point out babies in books, and children at the store. You also point to and touch Aunt Rachel's tummy (your cousin is in there!) with the same exclamation. And, it's quite adorable.
• You recognize elephants, too, and when you notice one in a book or at the zoo, you lift your arm up like the elephant's trunk and make a little elephant noise. Precious.
• You have really begun to interact with your books, paying more and more attention to the illustrations and remembering pages that are your favorite. You'll turn the pages quickly to get to the parts of the story you prefer. Particularly when reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar"...you love the "bea-uuuu-tiful butterfly" at the end! And you get excited about the "zizzer zazzer zuzz" at the end of Dr. Seuss.
• The neighborhood cat usually comes over to visit whenever she sees us outside. You squeal with delight when the kitty lets you pet her, and we say "soft touches...be gentle...stay calm". You are such an animal lover!

• You've had a few minor tantrums...really, just beginning to test the limits of your independence. Pulling clothes off the hangers in Mommy's closet after and during being told 'no'...repeatedly walking over to and upset not to be able to play with the frozen chicken at Walmart...trying to eat Royal's food. We're learning some things together.
• You've spent some fun late-summer afternoons playing in the sprinkler at Grandpa and Grandma's house! You particularly seem to enjoy filling up the little buckets and empty cans with water. It's fun for Mommy to see you playing in the same yard that she did.
• You really like television.... You figured out the power button on the remote months ago, and now you turn it on all by yourself, usually right after you wake-up (on the couch). It holds your interest for a little while in the mornings, and then you're off to explore other things. We turn on PBS again in the early-evening while Mommy gets dinner started and that seems to be a good wind-down activity for you as we settle into the evening routine. You seem to like "Daniel Tiger" and "Curious George" the most. 
• You've discovered coloring! And, Play Dough! Play Dough lost its appeal a bit after you learned that it isn't for eating, but you still enjoy it. And you pull out the crayon box almost daily to scribble in your coloring book for a while. What fun we'll have together in days to come!

You are growing into a little girl before my eyes, Emerson, 

and I could not be more proud of and constantly amazed by you.

I love you so very, very much.

"Baby, You A Song"

I've enjoyed the song "Cruise" by Florida Georgia Line since I first heard it over a year ago. Can you blame me? It has a great beat, and during those first few long weeks around the house with an infant, hearing it never failed to put me in a good mood. I must've played that song many, many times that summer, during my dancing days with Emerson. 

Needless to say, Emerson now recognizes the song when it comes on the radio, or when I (frequently) play it on Spotify as we hang out. As soon as she hears those first few notes, she looks at me with a big smile and usually heads in my direction so we can "dance". Our bouncing as the song plays has put her to sleep in my arms more than once, and truly, it's the closest song we have to being a lullaby for her. (I'm not proud of that. But, honestly, the girl dislikes sleeping so much that she hasn't really allowed for any sort of sweet bedtime rituals...yet.)

Do I love that my toddler's favorite song has the word "hell" in it? Heavens, no. We'll have to come up with a way to modify that one of these days.

But, I love that we can love a song together. I love that it reminds me of her, every time.

And, sure, the lyrics are referring to a different kind of "baby". But, it still makes me think of mine.

"Baby, you a song...." 

...and a most incredibly beautiful one, at that.

Emerson: 13 Months

August 1, 2013

• You are wearing 12-month and 18-month clothing.
• You weighed 22 pounds at your 12-month (plus three weeks) check-up. You did well at this appt., and were far less upset by the doctor than before. Of course, you kept a very close eye on Mommy. You calmed very quickly after your shots, and had no side effects following your immunizations. 
• You started walking on our vacation to Colorado...and you haven't stopped since. You are on the go constantly, and you rarely revert to crawling. You are very steady now, and seem quite pleased with yourself at this new talent. It will serve you well!

• You hate bedtime. As we come inside after our nightly walk, you know what's coming and immediately start to cry. You scream through putting on your pajamas, brushing your teeth, (our attempt at) reading a bedtime story, and continue crying for anywhere from 5 minutes to 45 minutes after you're in your crib. This behavior has rendered your evening bath rather unpleasant, so we've shifted that to every other afternoon (which you really delight in). Clearly, you just have too much fun each day to think well of ending it. Bless your heart, though, you are so tired at day's end, and once you let yourself rest...usually after tossing your blanket and babydoll overboard, you've been sleeping until 6:00 a.m. or so. 
• You occasionally wake-up around 3:00 a.m. and it's a toss-up whether you'll put yourself back to sleep or need "mama" to come check on you. You wake us up with a very desperate "ma-ma, ma-ma, ma-ma", and it's almost always impossible for me to ignore that plea.
• When asked a question ("what should we eat?"..."what would you like to wear?"..."what book will you choose?", etc.), you put your pointer finger to your lips as you say, "hmm". It's precious.
• You love to be a helper! You carried mailbox tags from Grandma to Mommy as we decorated Grandma's classroom...back and forth, proud of your delivery duty. You love to stand at the dryer and put in the wet clothes, one by one, as Mommy takes them out of the washer. Such a big girl.

• You've gotten to be around a couple of older girls a few times, and it's adorable watching you interact with them. You will have lots of friends someday!
• Your hair is getting so long! It lays nicely and is a beautiful shade of blonde. You will tolerate a barrette for a little while, but as soon as you discover that it's there, out it comes. So, you usually have long bangs in front of your eyes. It is what it is.
• Your laugh is the most precious sound, and I think you love to hear it as much we do.
• You love to give kisses, usually obliging when asked ("can you give Mommy a kiss?") and often offering them to loved ones without prompting. You are very affectionate and come up to Mommy several times a day to give hugs. There's nothing I love more.

• You are imitating lots of sounds these days. Words you don't know, animal noises...you're seeing what you can do!
• Your vocabulary has definitely expanded, and you are quite clear in expressing several words, including bubbles ("buh-bull") water ("wah-wah"), Royal ("Roh") mama, ("ma-ma") dada ("daa"), grandpa ("baa-ba"), and book ("buh"). 
• You love bubbles. You request them outside, point to them in the kitchen sink, and spot them in books. They're everywhere! 

• You've been taking a midday nap around 11:00 a.m., which allows us to run errands in the morning, when needed. You'll often fall asleep in the car on the way home, and will sometimes continue your snooze when carried inside to the couch. Sometimes.
• Now that you're walking, you are busy, busy, busy...on the go all the time. You have a very brief attention span, so we do a lot with ourselves through the day.
• We've made several visits to the zoo, which you really seem to enjoy. You're recognizing animals and enjoy the elephants, monkeys, and giraffes, especially.
• You love to smell (or, pretend to smell) flowers...outside, or if you see a flower in a book...sniff, sniff! I hope you always stop to smell the proverbial roses.
• For whatever reason, you always kiss bears. A teddy bear from your room, a picture of a bear in your book, the honey bear in the cabinet...all get a big smooch. Too cute.
• "What does a cow say?"..."Mooo"..."What does a puppy say?"..."woof, woof".

• It is very clear these days when you need to take care of your bathroom business. You've started to find a quiet place (usually)...and you squat...and get very red in the face. You seem to be recognizing what we mean when we say "poo"...and you definitely know what it means if something is "stinky, stinky!" You wave your hand in front of your face and wrinkle your nose. You're pretty adorable!
• You've begun to wander off by yourself in the house for brief periods of time. You're most bold in the morning, and while Mommy gets ready in the bathroom, you'll usually go to your room or play in the living room. It makes me happy that you know this is your home, that you're safe, and that I'm still close-by.

Emerson, you are an absolute joy.

I just love to be around you, and I'm so grateful that I get to be your mom. 

Thanks for being precious, wonderful you.

Four Years

For our first anniversary, Bobby and I vacationed in Cancun.

For our second anniversary, we bought furniture for our new house and celebrated with Chinese take-out. 

For our third anniversary, my parents brought a homemade steak dinner to us, and sat with newborn Emerson in the living room while Bobby and I ate our meal (together!) in the kitchen. That memory is a foggy one, as most memories during Emerson's first weeks of life are, but I remember it being a special, albeit casual, way to mark the occasion.

Today, for our fourth anniversary, I'm waiting for Bobby to come home from a week working out-of-town. Tonight, we'll celebrate his return, enjoy grilled steak for dinner, play with Emerson in the yard, and tuck her into bed. Then, we'll watch our wedding movie, per tradition, and call it a day. 

It isn't that all romance is gone after four years of marriage. Far from it. (In fact, we get to go on a date on Saturday night to celebrate, and it will be delightful!) But, one of the things that four years of marriage has taught us is that there are big moments, full of excitement & fun. (Cancun! New furniture!) But, there are also a lot of small moments, equally beautiful in their simplicity. (Quiet dinners at home.) 

I am so thankful for all of those ordinary moments. 

I am so thankful that we have many normal days that feel like big celebrations.

I am so thankful to have a husband who makes me feel so loved every day of the year.

This has been a most incredible four years. I am more excited than ever for all that is to come for our family. There is no one I'd rather be "doing life" with. And, today I'm really happy to celebrate being married to one pretty amazing guy.

Happy anniversary, Mr. Phillips! 

I sure do love being your bride.

The Ironic Thing

The ironic thing about blogging (for non-sponsored bloggers such as myself, anyway) is that the summer months, which by their very nature present lots of blog-worthy activities, are the months when I find myself the least-likely and least-interested in spending time sitting in front of a computer screen.

See? Ironic. The dreary, long winter presents many opportunities for writing...and far fewer interesting happenings to document. Ah, well. Such is the life of a casual blogger.

We have had a most wonderful summer. It's been a time when we've been able to really settle in and enjoy our family of three.

We celebrated Emerson's first birthday...

...& vacationed to Colorado...

...& had an overnight visit from a dear college friend...

...& spent an evening at the fair.

Not to mention the many visits to the zoo with friends, evening strolls through the neighborhood after dinner, watching Emerson play in the backyard pool, pushing her in the front-yard swing, and blowing bubbles together. There are so many beautiful memories that have made this summer with our little girl one to remember.

And, each is deserving of a blog-post recap of its own! But, for now, I'm going to enjoy the rest of this late-summer afternoon. (Although, school is back in session today and the air is crisp! Fall is just around the corner! I can feel it.)

There'll be time to recap and reflect later. That is, after all, what winter is for.

How Having a Baby Changed Our Marriage

We could not have been better prepared for having a baby. After two years of marriage, Bobby and I were closer than ever, and very much "on the same page" about the next step in our lives. It was time to add another member to our family. Financially, emotionally, spiritually...we were as prepared as we could have been. 

And yet, our marriage changed when Emerson was born. Perhaps because we were each individually transformed by parenthood. Perhaps it was the natural result of a third person entering what had long-been just the two of us. Either way, we changed...and, we had known that we would! But, knowing how, exactly, was impossible to predict.

In some ways, we changed in ways I'm not proud of. Parenthood showed us our relational flaws, and highlighted the growing that we still have to do, personally, and as a couple. 

• Bobby and I experienced jealousy of each other. He was jealous of my connection with Emerson (largely the result of my nursing Emerson, and spending all day, every day with her), and I was jealous of his ability to spend time away from home. The grass was greener on the other side....
• Our jealousy led to resentment. We were both, at times, resentful of the other. There were occasions when, although Bobby wanted to help, he couldn't. Emerson needed her mom (usually, more specifically, her mom's milk), and Bobby felt largely unnecessary in whole scheme of things. He resented my bond with Emerson; I resented his lack of help (due to his inability to feed, not due to unwillingness). Because Bobby didn't have the responsibilities at home with Emerson that I did, he was also able to leave the house and spent time playing football with his friends regularly. I (unfairly) resented that.
• We weren't always sympathetic with each other. That, I believe, was simply due our own selfishness. We often each felt that we'd had the rougher day: me, at home...Bobby, at the office. Our work was very different, and our selfish attitudes didn't permit us to sympathize with each other. We were each exhausted, and didn't choose to selflessly give one another the understanding and sympathy that we both so desired from each other.
• We were competitive. This was usually in the form of "who saw Emerson do (fill in the blank) first?" For whatever reason, we took on a competitive nature about our separate interactions with Emerson, and often didn't act as though we were both on the same parenting team.
• We had far less energy for each other. My thoughts were centered on Emerson, and I didn't have an excess of mental energy to spend on nurturing Bobby. By day's end (and often before), I was worn-out from picking-up and carrying Emerson all day long. Emotionally, physically...I was entirely spent every day...and there was little left of me to share.

In other ways, we changed for the better, and we grew together. 

• Bobby and I have developed quite a rhythm to getting things done around here. From our after-dinner routine (I clear the table, he entertains Emerson while she finishes her meal; he rinses the tray, I wash Emerson's hands...and face...and legs), to our former bath-time ritual (I nursed Emerson, he started the bath water, then cleaned up afterward while I put on Emerson's pajamas)...it's very much a dance that we do together to keep our world turning. We each have our roles, and they fit together perfectly to make things work smoothly. We're a team, and in many ways, our teamwork has never been better. 
• We're getting to see new sides of each other! I imagined that Bobby would be an amazing father, and I wasn't wrong. Fatherhood suits him, and seeing that side of him makes me love the man all the more.

And, in other ways still, it was just...change.

• In many ways, we love each other differently now. We are getting to know how we each act and respond and relate as parents, and we act and relate to each other a bit differently, too. 
• Sleeplessness or hormones or changed perspective or whatever has meant that I'm more sensitive than I used to be, and the jokes and good-natured criticism that used to be painless, can sting in an instant now. So, our interactions have changed...and we're still learning.
• The way we spell "love" is different. There isn't time...or energy...for many grand gestures these days...but when Bobby brings in a hot cup of a coffee to the bathroom every morning, waiting for me as I get out of the shower, I feel deeply loved.

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There were times in the past twelve months when I felt very much "alone". Not because of anything Bobby intentionally did or didn't do...but because he couldn't help in given circumstances, or simply couldn't understand my needs or emotions. (I often didn't understand them, myself.) Emerson needed me. And I felt alone in my responsibilities and as though no one understood. It was hard. That's all there is to it.

Our marriage needed attention that at times during the past year, I'm sorry to say, we couldn't give it. After months of celebrating and anticipating our baby's arrival together, enjoying a connection and closeness unlike ever before...to experience a significant distance between ourselves in the months after her birth was...hard.

The happy news is that all of the troublesome elements we experienced were very much "fixable". And, the happier news is that, for us, the six-month mark was a turning point. We were figuring things out...about parenthood, about being married during parenthood, and how to give our marriage the effort it so very much deserves.

We've learned a great deal in the past year. And, lots of things have changed. But, what hasn't is our desire to have a large family with several children! Lord willing, Emerson won't be our last precious little one.

More importantly, our commitment to each other & to our marriage hasn't changed, either.

As we approach our four-year wedding anniversary later this week, Bobby and I are so very happy with our world right now. We are deeply in love, deeply blessed by this life we're building together, and by the little girl who has made our family more complete.

Baby to Toddler

I think I'm going to love having a one-year-old. If Emerson's latest discoveries and happiness are any indication of the joys to come in the months ahead, then we are in for an absolute treat.

When you anticipate a child joining your family, of course you "sign-up" for many more years than the first. And yet, that's what you really prepare for. You picture the infant, and the sleepless nights, and the "firsts". Frankly, many of the thoughts in those first months revolve around maintaining the little one's existence. One doesn't...I didn't, anyway...give much thought to the way life would be after that first birthday.

So, I feel like we're in very new territory. As we transition from baby to toddlerhood, I am excited. It's something completely new. I pictured Bobby and I with a baby for a long time before Emerson was here. I didn't give much thought to imagining what our family would look like as baby grows to a toddler. Seeing ourselves with a thirteen-month-old is new...and amazing. No one told us how much fun "1" can be!

There is so much to learn, for all of us. And it isn't so much about keeping her alive (though obviously we'll do our best to keep doing that), as much as it is about helping her continue to discover her world. Our pleasure!

I think I'm going to love having a one-year-old...I already am!

Emerson: 12 Months

July 1, 2012

• You are wearing 12-month clothes entirely, except for some 18-month pajamas.
• You are so very close to walking! We thought you might take your first steps on your birthday...you just had a look in your eye...but no luck. You have gotten very sturdy on your legs, though, and cruise around the furniture with ease. It's been such fun watching you gain confidence, and helping you as you grasp our finger for assistance. We're sure you'll be walking around in no time.
  
  
• It has been a rough month of sleeping.... For several weeks, we slept on the couch after you woke in the middle of the night. It really seemed that you were struggling with some nighttime separation anxiety, and cuddling/nursing with Mommy was the only thing that brought you comfort. We've largely worked through that now, and after a week or so of serious crying when you were left in your crib at bedtime, you go to sleep on your own much more easily and have been sleeping until the morning. It was a difficult process for all of us, but we're so proud of you!
• You still really enjoy food, and have a great appetite for each meal. Strawberries and blueberries are your usual breakfast, with cottage cheese and turkey for lunch, and usually whatever is on the menu for Mommy and Daddy for dinner. And, you're happy to share with Royal. All the time. 
• It seems that you are really beginning to understand directions and what is being said to you. It's a lot of fun being able to have "conversations" and figuring each other out!
• You are identifying several body parts now when asked, and giving Daddy "high-fives"! You love to interact with people...your favorite toy!
• Whenever you hear music, you love to stop what you're doing and dance for a bit. You've got rhythm, and your movements make us smile.
• You really enjoy bubbles! We spend lots of time in the yard blowing (and popping!) them.
• You love to be outside. Looking for birds, crawling in the lawn...you seem so happy when you get to explore your world. 

Emerson Blair, you cannot know how precious you are. 

What a special first year we've had together...

you are the best gift I've ever been given.

I love you, baby girl.