Big news...and a new big sister! The three of us are all so very, very excited.
It's been a long several weeks of first trimester pleasantries, and we'll just accept that as reason for my lack of posting for the past couple of months. (Which, though unfortunate, was just rather unavoidable, I'm sorry to say.) But, a few days after learning about our pregnancy...and before morning sickness and exhaustion really made their presence known...I noted some things that were on my mind in those early, early days. (As I recalled wishing I'd done last time!)
I hope to share some reflection on the (now completed!) first trimester, but, for now, a look into my initial thoughts about the news of Baby Phillips #2, written sometime during the week of February 9th, 2014.
- It feels entirely strange to be thinking about another child. For a year and a half, and many months before she was born, so many of our thoughts have been entirely about Emerson. To think about sharing our attention and splitting time with another child is hard to imagine. Not to mention the question of how to love another baby! I know every mother of more than one child would say that the love grows and there's plenty of it to go around, and in my heart, I know that. Truly. But, it's difficult to imagine right now...though I don't doubt that in 8 months I'll wonder how that could have possibly ever been a question.
- I am already celebrating this limited time we have as a family of three. I want to cherish the moments we have together, big and small. In some ways, I'm sad to see it go. These past months have been so very precious.
- With that said, I am overjoyed to be giving Emerson a sibling. She is undoubtably going to be an incredible big sister. The love she has for her baby cousin is obvious, and my heart almost bursts seeing them together. I can only imagine the joy I'll feel seeing her take care of a little brother or sister. It's hard for me to picture what the last 24 years of my life would've been like without my little sister, and I want that for my daughter. What a blessing siblings are. Emerson deserves that.
- This was yet another lesson in trusting God's timing, rather than my own. Having a baby, much less having a baby during the month of our choosing, is largely out of our control. Although I've said before that I wanted a fall baby, we'd hoped for a baby in September. When the possibility of that came and went, I was reminded of the Lord having a plan for our family's expansion, and that that may look different than what I had in mind. When we learned that our baby would be coming in October, I was thrilled. And that made me remember my feeling right before we took our test the month before.... In hindsight, I was almost more sad about the possibility of no longer being a family of three, & of Emerson not being the baby anymore. I would've been happy with a pregnancy. I thought that's what I wanted. But, there was relief, too.... With the result of this pregnancy now, there is nothing but joy. The difference a month makes in the condition of my heart. The Lord knew I wasn't ready last month! Simple as that. His plan was better than mine. Parenting provides so many reminders that our life isn't under our control; God has a plan, and trusting Him is best.
- Sharing this news with our friends is going to be different this time around. As I've become more aware of the struggles that so many face in creating their families, I am increasingly mindful to not take this experience...this blessing...for granted. It's going to be difficult to tell several loved ones, knowing the pain they've experienced waiting on their babies. I don't doubt that they'll share our joy...those are the kinds of people they are. But, I certainly don't want to contribute to their hurt. It's hard.
- I feel confident...assured...calm. I've done this before, and although there is absolutely no guarantee that this pregnancy will go as smoothly as my last, there is a benefit in having been down this road, and somewhat knowing what I'm in for. More understanding than last time, anyway.
- It's going to be difficult not to compare this pregnancy...this baby...to Emerson. I suppose in many ways that's natural, having experienced these things before. But, I hope to limit that...somewhat, anyway.
- Bobby and I have discussed the interesting difference we'll feel with this baby...likely cherishing the moments of infancy a bit more, understanding now just how brief those days are...while at the same time, having an increased anticipation of the fun-filled toddler days we're enjoying now with Emerson!
- Not long after Emerson was born, I said to Bobby that “I'd rather go through labor again tomorrow than go through months of morning sickness again”. I still feel that way. I am entirely nervous and non-excited about the likely miserable weeks of nausea I have ahead of me. (Particularly in the weeks before the news has been shared and I'm “suffering” in silence.) One doesn't soon forget the discomfort of those weeks, and I'm not looking forward to it. (Who would, right?) Still, I do have the benefit this time of knowing that (assuming that this pregnancy goes similarly to last, and I know there is no guarantee) there is light at the end of the morning sickness tunnel. With any luck, it won't last forever, and as I remember it, the weeks after that subsides are fun! I enjoyed being pregnant. I just have to make it through this.... The couple of mornings of nausea that I've had so far have been quite manageable. Perhaps it's the experience of knowing how to handle it, perhaps it's the benefit of getting to be home every morning now, perhaps it's the preemptive measures I've taken (you'd better believe I stocked up on all of the foods that helped last time on the first grocery shop after the positive test!)...or perhaps it's just too early in the game to say how bad it's going to get. Either way, here we go.
- Emerson is already making this easier. Bless her heart. The first early morning I spent by the toilet, hearing her little calls for “mama” to rescue her from her crib, reminded me just why it is so very worth it to be sick. I get to be “mama”...again. When I'm so very tired in the evenings, her cuddles and kisses keep me going. That girl brings me strength in a much different form than I had last time, and I'm grateful she's here.