a) looking for jobs,
b) not finding any jobs that jump out to me and say "you were meant to do this",
c) filling out applications,
d) not hearing back from anyone, and
e) being rejected.
I'm losing confidence in myself, and truth be told, it's wearing me out.
I am so incredibly thankful to have a husband who calls his paycheck, "our paycheck", and that said paycheck more than meets our needs. (Let me repeat: I am so incredibly thankful.) I do love staying at home and being a housewife. It's a worthwhile job, but as I've mentioned more than once, I think it would be all the more fulfilling if there were little ones running around to take care of. And as it stands, since there aren't (little ones), it seems like I 'should be' working outside the home, too.
See, my plan has been to have a "real job" for a while before we have children. My plan has been to make use of my college degree and really feel like I did something before I stay at home and raise our kids. Having children is not an immediate goal, but it is a whole lot closer on the timeline than it was when we got married a year ago...and I still haven't really had a job that I can say I'm particularly excited about or proud of.
Judy is a lovely lady from the church we attend in St. Louis, and Bobby and I sit in the pew in front of her just about every week. (I know this seems a bit disjointed. Stick with me here.) We usually visit with her briefly, and her love of the Lord is always evident and encouraging. This past week, she was telling us about how she's been studying about how God whispers to us, and her last words to us before we parted ways was to "listen for His whispers this week!"
This morning, I did. As I was straightening my hair, pondering my lack-of-employment situation, I heard,
"you're not letting Me lead...."
It took me but a moment to make the connection. Notice a couple paragraphs up, what has been the operative phrase..."my plan". Not His.
It was as if in that whisper God said,
"You're doing it again, Emily. Haven't we talked about this? What have I said about making plans?"
Maybe my having a job outside the home before we have kids is not God's plan. Maybe my timeline is all wrong. In which case, I've been impatiently trying to force something to happen outside of God's will. Which, is probably not wise. (And, it's certainly not doing anything to help my mental health.)
Maybe it is exactly God's plan for me to find a job and work for a while before children come along. (And, if that's the case, great!) But, (and here's the kicker) if that plan falls into place while I'm operating under the subconscious belief that it's mine, the likelihood that I'll recognize and appreciate God's hand in making it happen is unfortunately slim. And that would be really, really wrong.
I wasn't deliberately trying to take control of my life and ignore God's purpose. But, I suppose that's my human nature. (It's happened before; I'm sorry to say that I'm sure it will happen again.) I'd prayed about the job search, yes, I wasn't purposefully allowing God to take the driver's seat. (And, He is the best driver!) My frustration has come from continually trying to make something happen on my own. Which is exactly the point. I'm not on my own, and I shouldn't be acting like it.
So, this morning I prayerfully surrendered my frustration and discouragement to God, asking specifically for His direction and for my desire to be to follow His plan in this (and, of course, every other) aspect of my life. Amazing what intentional surrender to Him will do in bringing peace.... I'm quite convinced that He's been waiting for me to learn this lesson...again. And now, He's got my attention.
Maybe God's plan is for something entirely different than anything He's shown me yet. And, that would be okay. When you're listening for His whispers...and letting Him lead...anything can happen.