Musings of Motherhood

A few thoughts after experiencing three (and a half) months of motherhood....

• Never in any job or project I've undertaken have I been so completely exhausted at day's end. These days,  I am physically and emotionally wiped out. I feel...spent. As though there is nothing left of me to give. I am giving myself entirely to my daughter between 8ish in the morning when she wakes up until 10ish at night (when we both go to bed). I am "on the job" every moment I'm awake. There is nothing like it!

• Of course, I always appreciated my mom. I've written Mother's Day cards full of sentiment and gratitude...but I get it now. I "get" why we celebrate motherhood. I have an entirely new perspective of what my mother did (does!) for me. There is still much to learn, and I know my eyes will continue to be opened as to the magnitude of how wonderful she is as I discover more about what it really means to be a loving mom.

• The work I do at home can feel pretty small, compared to the happenings in the rest of the world. I'm trying to remember how important it is to keep our little world turning. Clean laundry, paid bills, tidy kitchen, tasty supper, happy and healthy baby...it's meaningful work, and it's mine.

• I am so grateful for the new spiritual awareness and focus that I am experiencing.  It is our deep desire to raise Emerson in a godly manner, teaching her to fear the Lord, and I have a new recognition of my need for wisdom and Christ's strength. I am increasingly aware of my dependence on God to guide my day and guard Emerson.  I have a better understanding of unconditional love, and far greater appreciation for sacrifice. My prayers each night over Emerson's crib as she sleeps are some of the most fervent, honest and genuine words I have ever spoken to my Father, and I'm thankful.

• I'm lonesome for time with special friends. I want to spend time with friends close-by, and catch-up with friends far away. I want to chat, sip coffee, & connect. I love spending my days with Emerson, but I miss the company of friends.

• There is an interesting balance between feeling as though I'm "losing myself" in motherhood, and finding myself, as well. "Mom" is what I've always wanted to be, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but recognizing the changes in myself that this new role requires is interesting and unique.

• I glanced in the mirror during Emerson's bath the other night. There was spit-up all over the front of my t-shirt, and spaghetti sauce stains on my shoulder (...a result of my haphazardly eating ravioli so as not to drip on baby). My hair was falling down from the messy bun on top of my head, and my make-up had long since rubbed off (though I am proud that I had been wearing some in the first place). I saw in the mirror what very much looked like a "mom uniform", and I was strangely pleased. We'd had a happy day. I'd worked hard. And in seeing that reflection, I knew I'd done my job.

Conceivably

I love anniversaries. Wedding and romantic anniversaries, of course, but also the recognition of dates in my life that were somehow meaningful. In my mind, taking note of the notable days in our past provides a sense of where we were & where we are & where we're going, and provides some connection between the days and months that keep going by. It's important for me to recognize these occasions. Without doing so, the days can turn into years...seemingly endless until time has too quickly passed to realize it.

(I've written about a few of my meaningful anniversaries here and here and here...and here.)

Admittedly, writing about this anniversary borders on the line of over-sharing, but since I've made it clear how important it is to me to recognize milestone dates, I'll proceed.

Emerson was likely conceived on this date last year.

I know...rather personal. Although, conceivably (ha), anyone that knows anything about the timeline of pregnancy and her estimated due date could have figured that out.

Anyway, whether or not the exact date is accurate, it's fun for me to think about. If you believe that life begins at conception (as I do), then this occasion is a special one. On this date (or thereabouts) one year ago, God created Emerson. Her life began before I knew it had; she was fearfully and wonderfully made!

Something worth celebrating, indeed.

source

Emerson: Three Months

October 1, 2012

• By my at-home measurement (no dr. appt. this month), you weigh just over 14 pounds.
• You're wearing cloth diapers! They were a success from day one. You seem pretty comfortable!
• Thanks to the cloth diapers and the extra cushion in your bottom, most of your 0-3 month clothes don't fit anymore. For the most part, 3-6 month clothes fit, but you'll be wearing 6-9 month sizes sooner rather than later, it appears. It's fun transitioning into your fall wardrobe!
• Nightly baths are still such a good time, and you tell us quite clearly when you're ready for it each night. Your delight in bathing is becoming more and more evident. You relax into your position in the tub immediately, you love grabbing and sucking on the soapy washcloth, and you're quite pleased when Daddy pours the cup of water on your tummy. You've stopped crying at the end of bath time, and we're all able to enjoy the wind-down routine a bit more now. While we put on your pajamas, I usually sing "Five Little Frogs" or "Rubber Ducky" to you. The length of the songs is just about as much time as I need to get you diapered and pajama-ed, and it seems to usually keep you entertained long enough to do so.
• We nurse in the living room after bath and pj's, and it seems to be getting easier and easier for you to wind down and put yourself to sleep after you eat. We usually lay on the couch for a while before putting you in your crib between 9:00 and 10:00 p.m. (Any earlier and you tend to wake-up as soon as we lay you down.)
• No more swaddle for you, big girl! You sleep in a "sleep sack" now, and it's so precious to see you all stretched out, arms above your head. Such a peaceful sleeper.
• You are sleeping through the night! Waking up at 6:00 a.m. for a quick feeding is the exception rather than the norm, and more often than not, it's between 7:00 and 8:00 a.m. when you begin to stir and are ready to start your day. 
• You wake up with a smile just about every day, and leaning over your crib each morning to your happy greeting is my favorite part of the day. 

• That smile! It lights up your face and is oh, so contagious. What a joy! 
• Your hands are your favorite toy, and you love to slobber and slurp on them. 
• You study your environments intently, and are generally serious until you're familiar with where you are and who you are with.
• We know when you're happy! And, when you're not. You continue to seem so content most of the time, happy to be where the action is. But, you're discovering how to communicate different emotions, and you are able to demonstrate your dissatisfaction with a situation quite clearly. 
• You have much less hair now than you did when you were born, and the hair that's left is much lighter than it was. It comes off in your bath and there's a little circle of dark brown hair in your crib where you lay your head. When it grows back, will you be blond like Mommy and Daddy were, we wonder?
• Your tummy-time stamina has increased considerably. Your longest stretches of 10 minutes or so happen just about every morning. Watching Sesame Street keeps you interested while you exercise. 
• You are definitely recognizing familiar faces, and usually give a smile to those you know. 
• We've had lots of "conversations" this month, as you've begun to find your voice. Lots of back and forth "oh's" and raspberries. You are a communicator, with lots to say. We have such fun things to talk about in days to come! 
• Your babbles have a low tone, and we wonder if you'll have a deep voice. 
• You love to sit-up, and your head control is wonderful. You begin to tighten your abs and arch your back when you're ready to be pulled-up, and are so proud when you've done it. 

There are new things to learn about you each day! 

Watching you grow and seeing your personality develop is a true gift. 

Emerson, I am so thankful that I get to be your mom.

This Too Shall Pass

I've always appreciated the phrase "this too shall pass". My best friend wrote that sentence on a note card attached to a "get well" gift when I had my wisdom teeth removed years ago, and I placed the note in my medicine drawer where it's been ever since. (Having the need to open the medicine drawer usually means that I could benefit from the reminder that my ailment is temporary; it's been an encouragement more than once!)

Motherhood has brought this phrase to mind a few times. Now more than ever, its meaning seems so relatable in my life.

There were days in those first few weeks with Emerson where it truly felt as though sleep was a thing of my past; that my nights were going to be forever spent in that recliner. But, that hardship passed. And that's a good thing.

Then again, Emerson won't be in her swaddle ever again. She doesn't find ceiling fans quite so interesting anymore, and these days she doesn't have to lay on my chest in order to fall asleep. She's growing, and some of the defining behavior patterns that we've come to expect are changing. That's also a good thing...but it's bittersweet, too. Her days as an infant are short...they too shall pass. And, I know I'll miss this chapter.

"This too shall pass." For better or worse, it does ring so, so true, doesn't it?

Days are short. Time is precious. This...life we're building...shall pass. I don't reflect on that in such a way as to despair in life's brevity. Instead, I'm considering it a reminder to cherish the joy in living right now. 

The rough moments will pass.

The precious ones will, too. 

Sound Sleeper

We've reached another milestone in the Phillips household!

Last night, Emerson slept un-swaddled for the first time. I'm very proud of her, and frankly, pleased with my own maternal instinct in recognizing that she may be ready for such a thing. She'd been squirming in her swaddle blanket far more than she used to, and for the past several mornings, seemed frustrated (rather than comforted) being constricted. It seemed worth a try to use the sleep sack instead.

I'm so glad we decided to give it a shot.

Bless her heart, Emerson slept so hard from the moment Bobby put her in the crib, and slept peacefully until 6:45 a.m. I'd say it was a success.

And, in a related accomplishment, Emerson is currently sleeping soundly on the couch, after falling asleep on her own. (She's on a roll!) This is the first time she's fallen asleep during the day without nursing or being held, and is a huge deal to this mama.

Every day is full of surprises! I must say, today's was pretty wonderful.

Emerson: Two Months

September 1, 2012

• You're wearing size 0-3 month clothes, and are still in disposable size 1 diapers. 
• You weighed 13 pounds, 2 ounces at your 2 month (+ 3 days) check-up. And, you've already grown 4 inches since you were born! You're in the 90th percentile for height and weight, and are "perfectly healthy". Such a blessing.
• Your daytime feedings have become a bit more predictable, and you're "snacking" much less frequently. We still nurse closer to every two hours than every three, but you're becoming more efficient with your eating habits. 
• You have started taking nightly baths, and you absolutely love them. You hardly ever fuss, and if you do, it's usually because Mommy let you get a little chilly before getting you dry. (Or, perhaps because you're annoyed that bath time is over!) We think it's a nice pre-bedtime routine to start with you, and it seems to relax all of us at the end of the day.
• The weather finally cooled down enough to take you on a few walks! Our first family walk was such fun, and you held a solid gaze straight ahead the entire time. You were so relaxed, and were asleep by the end of the outing. We have lots of walks in our future, I suspect.
• You started smiling! It's as incredible to see you smile as your grandma said it would be. Daddy and I each have our tricks that seem to get you going. I buzz my lips, and Dad blows raspberries...which you seem determined to figure out how to do! But, oh those precious smiles...each one just melts our hearts. 

• We watched the Olympics together, and realized that the next time we watch the summer games with you, you'll be four. Whoa. I think the Summer Olympics shall forever remind me of you.
• You are absolutely happiest being right in the middle of the action, where you can see who and what is around you. Case in point: you demand getting to sit on my lap at the kitchen table while Daddy and I eat dinner. (I don't fault you for it, and really, can totally relate.)
• You seem to get bored with tummy time pretty quickly, but when it's tolerable to you, you're such a pro! Such a strong, healthy girl.
• You've been to church several times now, beginning at six weeks. You're usually awake during the music in the service, and holding you in my arms while we worship is one of my new favorite things. You've been falling asleep as we sing, and then you sleep (and sometimes snore) during the sermon. 
• You usually fall asleep around 9:00 p.m. and sleep on my chest in the living room until 11:00 p.m. or so. Sometimes you want to nurse one last time before bed, and other times you're not interested at all. Putting you in your crib at bedtime has gotten easier and easier, and since around 5 weeks, you are generally able to put yourself to sleep if you're only drowsy when we put on your swaddle and lay you down. And (here's the best part!), you're often only waking up to nurse ONE time during the night, usually between 4:30-5:30 a.m. Those 5 and 6 hours stretches of sleep are so wonderful...for all of us!
• Your daddy loves playing with you. He's always the one to think to pull out a toy for you when you seem to need some stimulation. You're going to have such fun together in the days ahead!
• You discovered ceiling fans a few days ago, and will babble at them for several minutes. It's adorable.
• We've developed several routines as a family now; it's fun that you've been around long enough for us to already have certain ways of regularly doing things! Mornings, dinner, bath time and bedtime...I must say, your daddy and I make a pretty good team as we learn to take care of you!

Watching you discover our world is such a joy, Emerson. 

We've fallen in a deep, deep love with you! 

Pump Up the Jams

Around 4:00 p.m. each weekday, Emerson is very ready for a nap. And, I am very ready for Bobby to come home from work.

So, in an effort to get her to sleep (and get myself off the couch), we have taken up a new hobby.

I put on the Moby Wrap, slide Emerson inside, turn on the television, and flip through the music channels.

And then, we dance.

Switching between the stations titled "Pop Hits", "90's", "80's", "Party Favorites", and "Throwback Jamz" (yes, with a "z"), we dance all over the living room...and sweet Emerson is usually asleep within minutes.

Forget gentle lullabies at this time of day. Emerson clearly prefers when we "Play that Funky Music". And play it we do, along with such timeless classics as "Ice, Ice, Baby" and "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It". (I know, right?)

This is where you could usually expect to find a picture in my posts.

Not happening this time. 

There are some things that should stay between a mother and daughter in the privacy of the living room.

(And, let's face it, the image you've conjured up in your mind of this whole scenario is probably just about right.)

It's definitely a mutually-beneficial activity. Emerson gets to rest; I get to work on losing those last ten pounds of pregnancy weight.

And, it truly is a workout! I've got a 13 pound baby wrapped in a piece of black fabric, held tightly against my body, while I dance (and I do use that term loosely) all over the place. I give her head extra support with one hand, and do bicep curls with a 5 pound weight with the other. We both end up sweaty. It's fantastic.

This is what memories are made of! And I know this goofy little routine is one of those experiences of my early months of motherhood that I will remember with a smile.

Shots

Thoughts I had yesterday morning as I prepared myself for Emerson's first set of immunizations in the afternoon:

• I'm so thankful that this is the first real medical intervention she's had to face in her two months of life, and that even this is arguably "elective". 
• There are millions of people of around the world who would give much to be able to give their child preventative medicine such as this. It wasn't long ago that preventing these diseases wasn't an option in our own country, and countless families suffered loss because there were no vaccines. We are so blessed to live in an age where we can protect our babies from so much.
• We are allowing Emerson to experience pain to protect her from something worse. The Lord often does the same thing, doesn't He? He sees His children through painful times, knowing that the pain and the trials serve a purpose and greater days are ahead. 
• I'm really not looking forward to this.

We were so proud of how Emerson handled her shots. She lay on the exam table, and Bobby and I leaned over her body and held down her arms. And, right before the injections began, she smiled that precious smile. (Of course she would. You're not making this any easier, little one!) The nurse was so quick and the three shots were over before her "serious" crying could really begin. She got mad, but I nursed her immediately and she calmed quickly (as did I.) She slept on the drive home, and for most of the afternoon. During the evening, her pain was evident, usually when she stretched her sore little legs. (I expected the vaccine procedure to be difficult for ME, watching her experience pain. Little did I know that seeing her continue to hurt for the rest of the day would be even harder.) She wanted lots of cuddle time, and was far more fussy than usual, but never felt particularly feverish. She went to bed easily and slept through the night, with just one extra feeding. Hopefully, the worst is behind her and she can get back to being her content, happy self today. 

Thoughts I have now that the first round of shots is done:

• We did it! 
• I'm glad that's over.
• Thank you, God, for protecting my little girl.

Emerson: One Month

August 1, 2012

• Most of your newborn-sized clothes don't fit you anymore, and now you're wearing 0-3 month outfits...which is good, because you were gifted so many adorable summer ensembles, we're trying to get you in all of them at least once before you're too big...or, the weather gets cool. (Which doesn't seem likely...this has been an abnormally hot and dry summer, and cooler fall weather seems very far away.) I got a bit sad packing away some of your first outfits, including the one you wore home from the hospital. You've grown so much already, and it's hard to imagine that you were once so small that you fit in them!

• You weighed 8 lbs. 13 oz. at your 2 week check-up. 

• You outgrew your teeny-tiny, newborn-sized diapers a few days before you turned a month old. Now you're wearing size 1, which at first seemed huge, but now fit just right. (We're not using the cloth diapers just yet...too many other things to figure out first!)

• You're feeding "on demand"...and goodness, you do demand! You like to snack during the day, and often just eat a little here and there. You range from wanting to eat every half hour to every three hours during the day, and seem to "stockpile" in the evening, eating far more frequently before bedtime. 

• You are so strong! You've been consistently holding your neck up since you were just a few days old, and your strength is clearly increasing. We love watching you "exercise" and build those muscles as you lift your head off our chests (which happens to be your favorite place to sleep).

• You took a bottle from Dad once, and it made me oddly sad. You were drinking my milk, but I felt distant from you watching you eat from someone else. Subsequent bottle attempts have been less successful, but we'll keep trying. We think it makes practical sense for you to know how to eat that way, but between you and me, it's okay if it takes you a while longer to learn.

• You will not take a pacifier. You're not interested in it at all, and seem to act as though you know it's a trick and a sorry substitute for the real deal.

• You wake up to nurse an average of twice nightly...sometimes three times, and every so often, just once! You nurse and go to bed (finally, around three weeks old, in your crib!) between 10:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m. and then we wait to see what happens during the night. You keep us guessing! 

• Your eyes are really focusing now, and you like to gaze at whatever is in sight...often, the large window in the living room. You are most content where the action is, and far prefer being a part of things/moving around to being alone in your bassinet.

• Sometimes it seems that you're tired of being a baby, and are ready to get up and go.

• For the most part, you seem quite serious, taking in all of your surroundings and thinking about what's going on around you. But, you are content most of the time and seem rather easygoing...a quality that most definitely comes from your daddy. We like to think you're quite secure and that you know you're safe.

We love you more than we can express and have found such joy in getting to know you this month. Every day has been a new adventure and we are full of anticipation for all we'll get to discover about you in the days to come. 

Thank you, precious girl, for making the past month one to remember. 

You are an absolute wonder.

Keeping It Real

These early days with my daughter are precious, and I treasure this time. I'm thankful for the gift of Emerson's health, and for mine. I'm thankful that God gave us a child, when I know that so many others desperately desire a child of their own.


I'm not complaining. 

Being a mom and learning how to parent is...new...exciting...a challenge...a joy...and what I've always wanted. And so, I hesitate to write this, because I certainly don't want to come across as ungrateful. But, in between the lullabies & the pretty pink outfits, the photo-ops & the fun "firsts", there have been some harsh realities to face as I learn to be a mom. I want to document these, too...for posterity's sake, and in order to be truly genuine about this experience.

So, here's to "keeping it real"....


Motherhood is a 24/7 mindset. It's not as though I went into this blindly. I knew this was a 24/7 gig. But, there are some things that are impossible to comprehend until you're living it. Being a mom and being what Emerson needs me to be isn't something I can "turn off". And, I wouldn't want to! But, it's an experience unlike any other. I can't walk away from the situation...even physically leaving the room requires mindfulness about my baby's needs while I'm away. I can't shut down my brain and stop thinking about her. It is a constant, ceaseless responsibility and mindset that began the very second she was born. She's been a part of every one of my thoughts for the last four weeks. There has never been a circumstance in my life that I couldn't mentally or physically distance myself from...until now...when I can do neither! I wouldn't trade this new mindset for anything...but, it's different, it's unlike anything else, and it's overpowering.

Sleep is a precious commodity that should never be taken for granted. I have never been so tired. And, again, though people say that that's part of this whole thing called "new parenthood", it's not something you can entirely prepare yourself for. I was certainly well-rested leading up to Emerson's birth, and I'm confident that being caught up on sleep helped me through the rigors of labor. And, perhaps, in conjunction with the beautiful hormone that is adrenaline, my being well-rested gave me energy in the early days at home with her. But, the adrenaline does wear off, I'm sorry to report, and the weariness that has taken over now could not be held off by any amount of "storing sleep" beforehand. It really is a different kind of tired from any sleepiness I've ever before experienced. Efforts to "catch up" seem futile. It's a vicious lack-of-sleep cycle.

On a similar note, our bed has never felt so wonderful. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder! Emerson rather prefers to sleep in my arms instead of her bassinet or crib. So, I have spent precious little time in our bed...with the clean sheets...and the fluffy down comforter...and the delightfully-soft mattress...over the past few weeks, due to sleeping/attempting to sleep in the La-Z-Boy recliner in the nursery. However, the midday naps I have been able to enjoy have been incredible, and I value sleep now more than I ever have before. (Update! Since I drafted this post a week or so ago, we've thankfully made progress in this area. Emerson seems to have decided that her crib is, in fact, quite comfortable. I'm cautiously optimistic that my nights in the recliner are behind me.)

I left the house a couple of weeks ago, without Emerson. We had put off a Walmart shop as long as possible. (When the toilet paper supply dwindles, there's really no more procrastinating to be done.) And, besides the lack of food and toiletries, it was just...time...for me to get out of the house for a little while. My mom stayed with Emerson, and I got in the car. I was barely out of the neighborhood before the tears surprisingly came. I cried for a minute or two...in part, because I felt a distance from my baby that I haven't felt in over nine months...in part, because it felt overwhelmingly refreshing to be by myself, out in the world, thinking about a grocery list instead of whether her diaper needed to be changed...and, in part, because I felt a tinge of guilt for enjoying some time away. But, the tears were short-lived, the outing was time well-spent, and greeting Emerson when I got home was a joy.

I have never been so aware of my body's capabilities, and frustrated by its limitations. I had a natural and pain medication-free labor and delivery. I knew my body was not only capable, but was created for such a task. I'm proud of myself for trusting God's design and accomplishing what I did with His care, and I would (and plan to) do it again. I'm thankful for a body that is capable of doing amazing things. On the other hand, I am discouraged by my need to let my body rest. I want to have the energy to keep up with Emerson, to respond to her needs with positivity and a cheerful spirit...and be the one to take care of her all the time. But, I'm tired and my body is constantly begging for more sleep. It's hard to be human at times like this.


Being able to find a bit of time to document this journey via blog is evidence that we're all navigating this new "normal", and adjusting to each other. Although pondering and writing these reflections on the "hard parts" of new motherhood has been helpful, there are so many happy moments to document, too. I'm excited to share!