New Every Morning

The rare nights when Emerson struggles to go to sleep are usually the nights when I'm the most ready to. And, although I try so very hard to display patience and affection, my heart is often grumbling. I know she can't help it when her teeth are causing pain and not allowing her to rest, and she doesn't intentionally wake up at 4:00 a.m. because she's thinking "hmm, how can I bother Mommy?" Still, there are times when my lack of sleep causes me to feel a bit of resentment and frustration. I'm not proud of it, but it's true.

The incredible part is, though, that no matter how tired I am in the morning, when I see her smiling, fresh face, I forget all about the long night behind us. I cannot be frustrated with that precious, innocent little girl! 

The other morning I watched her as she awoke, and I was reminded of the following truth:

 ²² It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.

²³ They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (KJV)

I won't ever be able to fully comprehend God's love for me. Through motherhood, though, I am finding constant illustrations which deepen my awareness of my Father's unconditional, compassionate love...new every morning.

Farewell, 2012

Admittedly, I'm a bit sad to bid farewell to 2012 tonight. The end of the 2009 brought the same kind of emotion, and in looking back at my post from New Year's Eve that year, I realized how very similar my sentiment was then.

It’s not that I don’t want the New Year to arrive; 

I just don’t want to say goodbye to what has been a beautiful, exciting, life-changing year. 

Exactly. Well-said, self.

The past year has been a special one for Bobby and me, primarily focused on preparing for, welcoming, and getting to know our little girl.  (Truth be told, though, it takes effort to think back to much of the year before Emerson's birth day...what did we do with ourselves before July 1st?!) It's difficult to move on from the past year, as it has been such a wonderful season of our life. Time marches on, though, and the new year is very much upon us. 

As I write this post, I'm watching Emerson play with toys on the floor of her nursery. She's looking up at me with a smile and lots of giggles as if to say "this is just getting good, isn't it Mom?" What a sweet reminder. One that I needed. Seeing that smile...that precious face that shines with the promise of the future...has filled my eyes with tears. How could I possibly doubt that the coming days with her will be any less full of wonder than the past months have been? Precious days are ahead. (Including, in the immediate future, Emerson's first taste of solid food...tomorrow she'll be six months old!)

This little girl is teaching me so many things, including a mindset that I think would serve me well to adopt in the coming year. To laugh because it feels good, to explore, to be curious, to discover, to find joy in life's simple pleasures.

When I think of 2012, I will recall it as a the year when my life changed forever. As the year when I fell into a new kind of love. It was a year unlike any other, and I'm celebrating all the joy that it held.

But, I'm certain that 2013 will be full of new and exciting experiences, too...our little world, no doubt, still revolving around the happenings of the littlest Phillips. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Here's to 2013...to health, happiness, & solid food! 

Emerson: Five Months

December 1, 2012

• You are wearing 6-9 month clothes. The 6 month clothes are getting a bit short, but I'm trying to squeeze the last bit of wear out of them before completely switching over. The 9 month clothes seem so big, and it's hard to believe how quickly you're growing!
• You are enjoying your voice these days, and discovering all it can do. Your pitch has become a bit higher, and sometimes you use what Daddy refers to as your "pterodactyl voice". You certainly know how to get our attention with your shrieks, and you get a kick out of doing so. You seem happy to be learning how to communicate with us...and with Royal.
• You know when it's bath time, and as soon as your clothes start coming off, you are all smiles. Your face lights up when I say "are you ready for your bath?" and you usually answer with a precious coo and lots of laughter. 
• As soon as you get in the bath these days, though, you're all business! You grab the washcloth and immediately begin to suck all the water out. It's as if you have a job to do, and you get very serious. You are content to be tended to, with your leg sprawled over the side. While you're getting washed, you try your best to get the cup from Daddy while he pours water on you. Rubber Ducky has become a friend, too, and you like to chew on him before it's time to dry off.
• You have two teeth! The first one seemed to give you some trouble, and there were a couple of days when your gums were obviously bothering you, but for the most part, they weren't too much of a problem. (We noticed a little extra drooling, lots of chewing on your hands, and restlessness when you tried to go to sleep at night.) Within a week, your second bottom tooth emerged! We were surprised to see them so soon! You continue to amaze us!
• Occasionally, you'll wake up in the middle of the night (we suspect due to teething pains), but usually you sleep from around 8:00 p.m. until 7:00 a.m. And, we thank you for that!
• Still no naps in your crib, but your sleep pattern during the day is becoming even more defined. You consistently sleep for an hour or so after you eat breakfast, and then you're ready for an afternoon nap around 1:00 or 2:00 p.m. 

• You've started rubbing your eyes and tugging on your hair when you're getting tired. It's precious, and we appreciate the obvious clues to your need for sleep!
• You spend lots of time in your "Jenny Jump-Up" and have gotten it figured out over the course of the last month. You know how to spin around and turn toward where the action is, and when Royal heads in your direction, your face gets all scrunched because you know a "kiss" might be coming. You enjoy being at his level, though! 
• We feel guilty eating in front of you now. You are so interested in our food, and reach for my plate regularly. We're trying to wait until you turn six months old to introduce solids...we'll see if that happens. Nursing has become less frequent, though you still have a strong appetite!
• You drank water from Mommy's cup a couple of times, and seemed like such a big girl when you did so. You tried to hold the glass yourself, and seemed so proud to be able to try something the big people do. 
• You like having toys around you, and enjoy having something to play with, watch, or chew on. Your activity level is definitely increasing.
• You're still playing with your feet and have been trying to get them into your mouth. They're fun toys that are always there! 
• You've mastered rolling onto your side, and have rolled from your tummy to your back a couple of times, though it still seems accidental. You can usually see or grab what you're interested in by arching your back and stretching, and it doesn't seem that you're particularly motivated to roll over. You're just so content!
• You have begun to wriggle around on the changing table much more, which makes changing your diaper more exciting. You were squirming around on the bathroom counter at Daddy's office one day, and reached up and squirted some soap out of the soap dispenser. It's a joy to see you so active and curious!
• Grocery shopping and errand-running has become so much easier! You are usually happy to be in the car and seeing the sights at the store, and it's great having you out-and-about with me.
• Your hair seems to be lightening by the day, and the hair at your neck has really grown. It's just beautiful.

Emerson, you are so much fun to be with and get to know. 

I want to remember everything about you, just as you are these days....

I hope you are always as content, as inquisitive, and as full of wonder as you are right now.

You're teaching Mommy so much.

I love you, little girl.

Christmastime Around Here

One of my favorite parts of the holiday season is decorating the Christmas tree.

More specifically, I love the excitement of opening and looking through the fresh-from-storage boxes. Though the contents remain relatively unchanged year after year, there's something magical about seeing what's inside & revealing the treasures that are only in sight approximately 1/12th of the year.

It's a tradition that is (as I suppose most traditions are) comforting in its constancy. Year after year, the process is the same & the reflection similar as I reminisce on our collection of ornaments.

Themed Christmas trees are beautiful, and they have their place. I enjoy seeing them at Silver Dollar City, at the mall, or in a designer magazine. In our home, though, I far prefer what is essentially the 'story of our life' displayed through each ornament...a visible reminder of the many milestones and memories we have to reflect on and enjoy.

"Our First Christmas-2009"

"Our New Home"

the souvenirs from our honeymoon in St. Lucia and our vacation to Mexico

the Mizzou Tiger from my years in Columbia

the annual glass-blown balls from Bobby's office

...and the one we'll be adding this year, celebrating Emerson's birth. 

Each ornament makes me smile and reminds me of the beauty of this life we're building. What began as a small collection of ornaments is growing with each passing year of memories made.

As much as I value the constancy of our tree and the tradition of decorating for the season, I'm excited for the changes in years ahead, too. For the ornaments we'll add signifying milestones in our family, and for the handmade decor that Emerson will contribute. For the years when the ornaments will be a few feet higher to remain out of reach, and for the years when they will all be gathered at the bottom of the tree, because that's as high as little hands could reach to place them.

Regardless, I know the tree will tell our family's story.

***************************************************

Bobby usually places the ornaments on the tree itself. (I find it too stressful. Leave it to me to find an element of Christmas decorating to be stressful.) I'm happy to assist with this task, aiding by putting the hangers on the ornaments beforehand, and then handing each one off to him.

I was, admittedly, less helpful this year than usual. (To his credit, Bobby did an excellent job without me.) Emerson doesn't yet quite appreciate the sentimentality of the occasion, and wasn't content to sit still while I reminisced over each memento. Thus, she and I danced around the living room to what I consider the soundtrack of my childhood Christmases. Though I'm certain my family listened to many tapes and CD's as I grew up, there is one album that I associate with preparing for the holiday. And so, it plays in our home each year as we decorate the tree.

Emerson grew restless as we decorated and danced, and after a while, she and I sat down in the living room rocking chair. Having been displaced by the tree, the chair was in a new corner, but allowed for a perfect view of the tree-decorating in progress. While Emerson nursed, I watched Bobby as he mindfully placed each ornament, according to significance, in a special spot on the tree.

As he did that, my mind wandered to next Christmas, picturing sweet Emerson helping (or, "helping") her daddy decorate the tree. Or, the Christmases after that, when perhaps Emerson will dance around the living room as little brothers or sisters watch the scene with wonder....

I blinked away tears as I imagined the future with great anticipation.

And then, as the Christmas music playlist ended, the next songs in our iTunes library began...instrumental, lullaby hymns. Bobby continued his work to the gentle melody of "Holy, Holy, Holy"...peaceful and worshipful music that so appropriately suited the occasion and this season of life with our little girl. Perfect for Emerson as she drifted to sleep in my arms...& a perfect illustration for Mommy of just how unique and precious this Christmas is.

Emerson: Four Months

November 1, 2012

• At your 4 months (+ 6 days) doctor's appointment, you weighed 16 pounds and measured 25.5 inches long (90th percentile). We're so proud of how you're growing...so healthy, and so strong!
• You're primarily wearing 6-9 month clothes now, largely because of the extra bulk from the cloth diapers that require a bigger size. We still squeeze you into some of your Mommy's favorite 3 month ensembles, but Daddy says I'm holding you back. 
• You have continued to sleep through the night, and waking up for an early morning snack is definitely a rare exception to your general pattern. You've started to get sleepier a bit earlier in the evening, and your bedtime is closer to 9:00 p.m. these days (though you usually fall asleep in the living room around 8:00). We think the switch to daylight savings time might be helping this transition...of course, it has also meant earlier (7:00 a.m.-ish) wake-up times. 
• I can't imagine sending you to daycare, or not being able to spend my days with you. You are just getting more and more fun!
• You still nurse on-demand, but your frequency has definitely declined. Your meals are more substantial and you're not as interested in "snacking" throughout the day. Sometimes, if I think you're hungry and you're not, you arch your back away from me, clearly demonstrating your disinterest. You know how to communicate!
• You're beginning to develop some daily patterns in your awake/sleep schedule. You wake-up energized, and after you eat, we play on the couch and you do some tummy-time watching Sesame Street for a bit. Late-morning, you're ready for a short snooze, and then more playtime. You've started taking a longer nap mid-afternoon, but still not in your crib. Maybe that will be a goal for this month.... You usually take a quick "power nap" just before Daddy comes home, and then you're ready for the rest of the evening. 
• When 7:00-7:30 p.m. hits, though, you're ready to start your bedtime routine! Daddy plays with you for a bit, and then it's bath time. You smile when I take your socks off...you know what's coming next!
• The stuffed tiger that your daddy bought for you at the hospital has become a favorite toy, which makes Daddy and I smile. You reach for it immediately when it's offered, and bring its nose immediately to your mouth. We like knowing that there are things you like and enjoy.
• You continue to be so very content...happiest when you're around the action, and quite observant and studious of your surroundings.
• You've started to enjoy putting things in your mouth and chewing. Your fingers, other people's fingers, toys...everything is new and fun to explore! We also think you might be beginning the initial stages of teething...perhaps.
• Royal is very entertaining to you. If he's in the room, you're watching him, and have started to grab bits of his fur if he sits near you long enough to do so. We think you're going to be best friends.
• You are close to sitting-up on your own! You still need some support, and tend to lean forward, but it won't be long before you can do it by yourself. Your legs are getting strong, too, and you seem to very much enjoy being vertical while you practice putting some weight on your legs.
• Every afternoon, we have "diaper-free" time on the floor of your nursery. You lay on your tummy on a blanket, and play with and stare at your "Whoozit" toy and your stuffed animals. Your tummy-time stamina has improved so much over the past month, and what used to seem like "work" for you, doesn't really seem to be anymore. When you get tired, though, we help you roll over onto your back, and then you twist all around some more playing with your toys. You roll onto your side very easily (and seem to prefer sleeping that way), but haven't shown a lot of motivation to roll over all the way. You're just so content wherever you are! 
• You've giggled and belly-laughed a few times now...and it is the most beautiful sound we've ever heard. (We have so much laughing together ahead!)
• You definitely recognize some familiar faces now, and offer smiles quite easily. But, you really like having Mommy close-by and tend to get upset if I'm not within eyesight.
• You're also usually happy being held by Daddy now, which has been a fun thing for him. 
• You're a blonde! We thought you were going to be bald for a bit, after all of your hair loss last month. But, your new hair grew in, and it is a beautiful shade of blonde, just like Mommy and Daddy when we were little. We think it suits you quite nicely...though you do look much different!

It's impossible to imagine our family without you...
and hard to believe it's only been four months since your arrival!
You bring such joy to our lives, Emerson.
Thank you for making every day a special one.

A Happy Memory

A year ago yesterday, Bobby came home from work, and we decided that the time had come to take a pregnancy test. So, I did, and after three anxious minutes, we learned that we were going to be parents. We spent the rest of our evening celebrating our answered prayer together, overjoyed by our news and full of anticipation.

Last night, Bobby came home from work, and we spent our evening cuddling with our sweet, 4 month old Emerson, who is recuperating from the second round of immunizations she got earlier this week. She got her nightly bath on the bathroom counter, while we reminisced about the two pink lines we saw in that same spot one year ago...lines revealing that she was on her way.

I'll forever remember that night. Such a happy memory!

We knew our lives were going to change; we just didn't know that from that very moment, they did.

We knew we loved our little one already; we just couldn't know how much, or how incredibly deeply we'd feel that love once she arrived.

The sentence below is a portion of what I wrote on the first page of my pregnancy journal on that night, when I learned I was going to be Emerson's mom. The sentiment remains equally as true now that she's here...part of our family, and my greatest joy.

"There are truly no words...

only the feelings of joy, excitement, wonder, and gratitude 

for the journey that is beginning."

Musings of Motherhood

A few thoughts after experiencing three (and a half) months of motherhood....

• Never in any job or project I've undertaken have I been so completely exhausted at day's end. These days,  I am physically and emotionally wiped out. I feel...spent. As though there is nothing left of me to give. I am giving myself entirely to my daughter between 8ish in the morning when she wakes up until 10ish at night (when we both go to bed). I am "on the job" every moment I'm awake. There is nothing like it!

• Of course, I always appreciated my mom. I've written Mother's Day cards full of sentiment and gratitude...but I get it now. I "get" why we celebrate motherhood. I have an entirely new perspective of what my mother did (does!) for me. There is still much to learn, and I know my eyes will continue to be opened as to the magnitude of how wonderful she is as I discover more about what it really means to be a loving mom.

• The work I do at home can feel pretty small, compared to the happenings in the rest of the world. I'm trying to remember how important it is to keep our little world turning. Clean laundry, paid bills, tidy kitchen, tasty supper, happy and healthy baby...it's meaningful work, and it's mine.

• I am so grateful for the new spiritual awareness and focus that I am experiencing.  It is our deep desire to raise Emerson in a godly manner, teaching her to fear the Lord, and I have a new recognition of my need for wisdom and Christ's strength. I am increasingly aware of my dependence on God to guide my day and guard Emerson.  I have a better understanding of unconditional love, and far greater appreciation for sacrifice. My prayers each night over Emerson's crib as she sleeps are some of the most fervent, honest and genuine words I have ever spoken to my Father, and I'm thankful.

• I'm lonesome for time with special friends. I want to spend time with friends close-by, and catch-up with friends far away. I want to chat, sip coffee, & connect. I love spending my days with Emerson, but I miss the company of friends.

• There is an interesting balance between feeling as though I'm "losing myself" in motherhood, and finding myself, as well. "Mom" is what I've always wanted to be, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but recognizing the changes in myself that this new role requires is interesting and unique.

• I glanced in the mirror during Emerson's bath the other night. There was spit-up all over the front of my t-shirt, and spaghetti sauce stains on my shoulder (...a result of my haphazardly eating ravioli so as not to drip on baby). My hair was falling down from the messy bun on top of my head, and my make-up had long since rubbed off (though I am proud that I had been wearing some in the first place). I saw in the mirror what very much looked like a "mom uniform", and I was strangely pleased. We'd had a happy day. I'd worked hard. And in seeing that reflection, I knew I'd done my job.

Conceivably

I love anniversaries. Wedding and romantic anniversaries, of course, but also the recognition of dates in my life that were somehow meaningful. In my mind, taking note of the notable days in our past provides a sense of where we were & where we are & where we're going, and provides some connection between the days and months that keep going by. It's important for me to recognize these occasions. Without doing so, the days can turn into years...seemingly endless until time has too quickly passed to realize it.

(I've written about a few of my meaningful anniversaries here and here and here...and here.)

Admittedly, writing about this anniversary borders on the line of over-sharing, but since I've made it clear how important it is to me to recognize milestone dates, I'll proceed.

Emerson was likely conceived on this date last year.

I know...rather personal. Although, conceivably (ha), anyone that knows anything about the timeline of pregnancy and her estimated due date could have figured that out.

Anyway, whether or not the exact date is accurate, it's fun for me to think about. If you believe that life begins at conception (as I do), then this occasion is a special one. On this date (or thereabouts) one year ago, God created Emerson. Her life began before I knew it had; she was fearfully and wonderfully made!

Something worth celebrating, indeed.

source

Emerson: Three Months

October 1, 2012

• By my at-home measurement (no dr. appt. this month), you weigh just over 14 pounds.
• You're wearing cloth diapers! They were a success from day one. You seem pretty comfortable!
• Thanks to the cloth diapers and the extra cushion in your bottom, most of your 0-3 month clothes don't fit anymore. For the most part, 3-6 month clothes fit, but you'll be wearing 6-9 month sizes sooner rather than later, it appears. It's fun transitioning into your fall wardrobe!
• Nightly baths are still such a good time, and you tell us quite clearly when you're ready for it each night. Your delight in bathing is becoming more and more evident. You relax into your position in the tub immediately, you love grabbing and sucking on the soapy washcloth, and you're quite pleased when Daddy pours the cup of water on your tummy. You've stopped crying at the end of bath time, and we're all able to enjoy the wind-down routine a bit more now. While we put on your pajamas, I usually sing "Five Little Frogs" or "Rubber Ducky" to you. The length of the songs is just about as much time as I need to get you diapered and pajama-ed, and it seems to usually keep you entertained long enough to do so.
• We nurse in the living room after bath and pj's, and it seems to be getting easier and easier for you to wind down and put yourself to sleep after you eat. We usually lay on the couch for a while before putting you in your crib between 9:00 and 10:00 p.m. (Any earlier and you tend to wake-up as soon as we lay you down.)
• No more swaddle for you, big girl! You sleep in a "sleep sack" now, and it's so precious to see you all stretched out, arms above your head. Such a peaceful sleeper.
• You are sleeping through the night! Waking up at 6:00 a.m. for a quick feeding is the exception rather than the norm, and more often than not, it's between 7:00 and 8:00 a.m. when you begin to stir and are ready to start your day. 
• You wake up with a smile just about every day, and leaning over your crib each morning to your happy greeting is my favorite part of the day. 

• That smile! It lights up your face and is oh, so contagious. What a joy! 
• Your hands are your favorite toy, and you love to slobber and slurp on them. 
• You study your environments intently, and are generally serious until you're familiar with where you are and who you are with.
• We know when you're happy! And, when you're not. You continue to seem so content most of the time, happy to be where the action is. But, you're discovering how to communicate different emotions, and you are able to demonstrate your dissatisfaction with a situation quite clearly. 
• You have much less hair now than you did when you were born, and the hair that's left is much lighter than it was. It comes off in your bath and there's a little circle of dark brown hair in your crib where you lay your head. When it grows back, will you be blond like Mommy and Daddy were, we wonder?
• Your tummy-time stamina has increased considerably. Your longest stretches of 10 minutes or so happen just about every morning. Watching Sesame Street keeps you interested while you exercise. 
• You are definitely recognizing familiar faces, and usually give a smile to those you know. 
• We've had lots of "conversations" this month, as you've begun to find your voice. Lots of back and forth "oh's" and raspberries. You are a communicator, with lots to say. We have such fun things to talk about in days to come! 
• Your babbles have a low tone, and we wonder if you'll have a deep voice. 
• You love to sit-up, and your head control is wonderful. You begin to tighten your abs and arch your back when you're ready to be pulled-up, and are so proud when you've done it. 

There are new things to learn about you each day! 

Watching you grow and seeing your personality develop is a true gift. 

Emerson, I am so thankful that I get to be your mom.

This Too Shall Pass

I've always appreciated the phrase "this too shall pass". My best friend wrote that sentence on a note card attached to a "get well" gift when I had my wisdom teeth removed years ago, and I placed the note in my medicine drawer where it's been ever since. (Having the need to open the medicine drawer usually means that I could benefit from the reminder that my ailment is temporary; it's been an encouragement more than once!)

Motherhood has brought this phrase to mind a few times. Now more than ever, its meaning seems so relatable in my life.

There were days in those first few weeks with Emerson where it truly felt as though sleep was a thing of my past; that my nights were going to be forever spent in that recliner. But, that hardship passed. And that's a good thing.

Then again, Emerson won't be in her swaddle ever again. She doesn't find ceiling fans quite so interesting anymore, and these days she doesn't have to lay on my chest in order to fall asleep. She's growing, and some of the defining behavior patterns that we've come to expect are changing. That's also a good thing...but it's bittersweet, too. Her days as an infant are short...they too shall pass. And, I know I'll miss this chapter.

"This too shall pass." For better or worse, it does ring so, so true, doesn't it?

Days are short. Time is precious. This...life we're building...shall pass. I don't reflect on that in such a way as to despair in life's brevity. Instead, I'm considering it a reminder to cherish the joy in living right now. 

The rough moments will pass.

The precious ones will, too.